Hear n’ There

If all your life you walked with only one leg, how would you feel if you had to walk with two legs? You will probably hate the idea of it, you will be faster with your single leg; even though you know that it would be better if you used both your legs.

I type fast, fast enough by standards of many people around me, things like not looking at your keyboard became trivial long back. All these years I knew that one day I would have to change the way I type though. Denial they say is not a river in Egypt, it is a freaking ocean. So how do you save yourself from drowning in it? By finally starting to  touch type using all your fingers when your fears were brought into prominence again on Karan’s blog. But old habits, die hard. Muscle memory dies harder. It takes a lot of self restraint to stop your ring finger from not encroaching upon the territory of the z button which is rightfully the little finger’s.

That my dear friends is not all. Misery they say comes in more flavors than any ice-cream parlor offers and lady luck, the bitch that she is, likes giving me sundaes for free.

My last post was actually meant to be in Hindi and written using all my fingers. Trust me, doing wither of them is hard enough on its own. With both of them together, you would rather think of drowning in the Bihar floods (I can swim) or smell your stinking socks ( Ok, but not more time than I can hold my breath ).

I don’t know where did I develop this penchant for embarking on grand projects that fail so pathetically that they put things like Microsoft and their voice recognition technology to shame.

Thing of the day: God got Virgin Mary pregnant by magic, he doesn’t play by the rules- Katherine Heigl (Izzie Stevens, Grey’s Anatomy).

That is what every fermi of my body wants to scream.

There have been times when I have thought about a subject for hours and days and finally blogged about it.

There have been times when my posts have been saved as drafts for ages.

There have been times when I have discarded entries or simply closed my edttor.

But never, ever- never ever- have I been so  so mind numbingly so frikkin’ly irritated by a blog post.

Rusted Locks. Bihar Floods. Stinking socks - images that are cropping up in my mind. They are supposed to be analogies and metaphors.

Yeah I am in cannot-think-of-sane-things mode.

The post in question? Is this very post.

More about this when I am stable enough to figure out what floods in stinking socks and lusted rocks in Bihar mean.

Thing of the day: Gravity is a myth. The earth actually sucks. Or  would you rather trust individuals famous for having apples or bananas fall on their heads.

I am not patriotic. I am against the idea of borders or nations. They divide us and ferment un-symbiotic competition. It leads to things like the Nuclear bomb.

I cherish my independence more than the common man does. I am not a man without morals, just a man with principles.

I cheer for the Indian cricket team and not the Australian, even if we mostly lose to them. Just like I cheer for my College and not the college nearby, even if they have all the babes.

Independence day is for us to think what it is to be free. What it is to be the master of your own self.

Celebrate it. Cherish it. Happy Independence Day.

‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’  What about two women? My guess is that no one ever lived to tell the tale. So am taking up this ‘tag’ and have to write my favorite five literary characters thanks to Jahnabi and Tania. Sorry for making you two wait.

Konstantin Dmitrievitch Levin (Anna Karenina): The co-protagonist of a novel by the Russian Leo Tolstoy. Though Anna herself is a close second she fails to beat Levin. Tolstoy shows what ‘Character Development’ actually is. Teaches you many things, this guy does and I am not talking about Ayn Rand ideology here.

Harry Potter n’ Co: Not even a month since the release of the last book. To not write the name of every major character here would be treachery of the nth order.

Melchizedek- The King of Salem (The Alchemist) : He has a very small part as such in the book, but I think it is the part in us which makes us like the omnipotent and omniscient and gets him a place in this list. Gandalf and Dumbledore fall in the same league. It is the calm sense of purpose and never ending enthusiasm that makes me like them. Though I loved the book, disagree with the ‘Everything in this universe conspires’ crap.

Aragorn (Lord of the Rings): A popular favorite I would say. Presently he reminds me of the brilliantly directed LOTR series and makes me wish that Peter Jackson directs the last HP book, in particular from the ‘Battle of Hogwarts’ onwards. He has things in common with Harry’s character, like all heroes, if you think of it. Though I request you not to jump in your seat saying I told you Jo ripped LOTR and HP is all hype. Thou shall rot in Bubotber Pus if you do so.

Darcy & Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice): I like the arrogance in them and the way their characters loosen in the same fashion as one sees in real life.

Piscine ‘Pi’ Molitor Patel (Life of Pi): The book is in the first-person narrative, hence one forms a bond with Pi. The final few chapters where he recounts to a couple of officers how he spent 227 days on a boat alone with negligible supplies and a tiger to a couple of men and then tells them a more believable story, though still analogous to his actual one, and his subsequent arguments which included saying ‘People did not believe Galileo about the earth’ portray his genius. A must read I would say. Check out this plot summary from Wikipedia.

Insult of the Day: Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Oscar Wilde.

As promised, here is part two of my story series. If you have not read the first one then it is recommended that you do so, but is not necessary. Highly appreciate criticism in the comments section.

Every thought, every action, every being, everything seemed revolting. The white bed-sheets, the nurses in white dresses, the white paint on the walls. They all seemed repulsive, it seemed to her that that quiet colour and the calm surroundings were teasing her. How could anything ever be gentle or serene. If I could color them I would paint everything black. Yes black with violent red. She wondered if Akrit would have done the same.Thoughts seemed to race past in an intermingled blur. Her paralysed husband, her daughter Sarah, the pain within herself and the damned serenity of the hospital. She wondered why her husband committed suicide. Why there was no suicide note. Was it her fault? There were too many whys and none becauses. It was all too much for her, more than anyone could take. She did not want to suffer more than anyone.  She shouted- something between a cry of desperation and a mockery of what was happening. She broke the machines near her, tried to rip apart any bed-sheet she could find and started beating the white walls. It was the only thing she could think of doing. She was one of the foremost and famous intellectuals in the world, and all she could think of beating those white walls. It was her feeble attempt at revenge, from what, she did not know- life maybe. By the time the nurses came, she was lying unconscious on the floor, midst her own mess.

The doctor asked ‘Samantha’?

It was more than three hours since she fell unconscious and twenty more minutes since she lay awake. Though she did not want to open her eyes. She was not prepared. She believed that she could escape it all by delaying everything. The thing is, no one is ever fully prepared. You may lead the game one-nil from the first minute only to see a couple of self-goals in the last. At last she gave up. She could not have outrun life itself, there is only so much that you can run from.

“I am sorry for the way I behaved this morning, doctor. How is Akrit?”

“Samantha. You suffered what is called a ‘Panic Attack’. Akrit, I’m afraid, has not shown signs of any further recovery and we doubt if he will ever be able to. I am sorry Samantha, everything will be fine. Take care”

Everything will be fine. Oh yes, everything will be fine, why shouldn’t it? Try saying that to yourself when your wife becomes a vegetable, you bastard. She had had her share of drama today and was already feeling sorry that she thought about those words. She was tired, she was sick and she wanted to give up. She looked at herself in the mirror. She remembered the way Akrit used to describe them, as only a writer could and she remembered the way she blushed. Streams of tears now flowed across those red cheeks. Oddly it now gave her a portly appearance of a person who has seen more than one should. Her blonde hair was in disarray- spread everywhere like the ruffled feathers of a bird which desperately wanted to break the chains and fly somewhere far off. It was pitiful, the lost face, tattered hair and those blue eyes which lost their radiance amidst the river of tears. She wanted to end it all, death would be better.

“Hello Mommy”Samantha quickly wiped her tears after-all she had to portray a brave face in front of Sarah.

“Hey dear. Did Nanny give you lunch? Did you watch your favorite Tom and Jerry today dear dodie?”

“Mummy I saw you wiping your those tears. You don’t have to cry, they all are saying that Daddy is fine. But I think they are all lying to me and thinking that I am a little kid. Didn’t daddy say that I am the intelligentest girl ever? Mummy don’t cry, it is not good to cry. Daddy is not speaking. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. I want him to speak. But mumma we cannot cry, we must not cry. Daddy never likes it when I cry, he says that only bad and weak people cry. Mummy don’t be bad. Oh and mumma you keep forgetting Tom and Jerry comes only on Fridays and today is tuesday. Anyways I thought that I should meet you, Granny did not let me come but I slipped through the back door. I am sorry mumma for doing that but I thought that I should be with my mumma. Mumma is more important than Nanny and cartoon. Soweee”

She held her ears with her little white fingers to apologise. Samantha looked straight into her daughter’s clear blue eyes, they were identical to hers. While the mother’s seemed to have lost all hope Sarah’s innocent eyes gleamed with mischievous enthusiasm and hope. They were everything that hers were not.

‘It is Ok dodie’ She could not stop crying.

‘Mumma don’t cry. Everything will be OK.’

Dodie smiled her usual dimpled smile.She felt like a warrior fighting a war which she had no hopes of winning. She realised that life is a game where you don’t get any points for quitting.

‘Yes dodie, it will.’ She said in spite of herself.

Sometimes all that one needs to keep going is a smile.

Here are some links which I thought should post. I find them very..er.. amusing. You should like the links. This is not some free service I am doing to you guys. I simply had nothing to do, and this was better than watching paint dry. This post is the reason why I am in love with the internet.

How many guys do you know, who literally died because of using a computer? I know of one. Next time just call your favourite ‘Computer Engineer’ before you touch your computer, will you Mr I-am-in-heaven?

“I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance” Uh uh. The poor meat loving people in New Zealand would think twice from now on before they dip their forks in their juicy Chicken Wings. Click to know why.

Ever fought an online comment war, also known as troll-fighting? It is good if you did not. Who knows it may be your trailer that gets torched because you called someone a ‘nerd’. Is this what they call flaming?

This guy sent 38,000 text messages to a number. Let me say it again so that it sinks in- Thirty eight thousand. He was trying to win a jackpot, he didn’t win the jackpot but did get fired for using his company’s cellphone. And I thought I was an SMS junkie.

Living in Dubai has its benefits. You can see Lambos and Ferraris everywhere. Though I wish I lived in Japan so that I could watch this Wooden Car. Costs 32,500 $, cheaper than a Ferrari. Dunno if it can get you laid though.

Ever dreamt of being able to control a dead frog via the internet? Or maybe you would like to have a pet Hippo?

Did you know that the English used your everyday Atlas to categorise whether a film is pornographic or not? If we knew stuff like this, we would have been studying geography more sincerely.

You think Friday the thirteenth is unlucky? You have reason to be and you are with seventeen million other guys. This superstition costs about 750 million dowlahs.

The best for the last. Next time you think you don’t have change to buy a condom. Or if you usually pee in your pants in front of the pharmacist. Or if you simply don’t have time while things are getting hot. Just ask your mommy where Lysol is. Also used for umm- female personal hygiene. Click here and here and here (As I said the last link is the best)

Quote of the Day: “Dude, I invented the friggin iPhone. Have you heard of it?” - Fake Steve Jobs

PS: There seems to be some problems with italics with this theme. So I may change it. May.

I am a huge advocate of form being defined by function. To be honest I don’t like this theme a lot, but it does what I want. It is a ‘clean’ and ‘neat’ theme. I always liked themes which put emphasis on readability. This is why I like two column themes where the body is as wide as possible. Wordpress is a great blogging platform, but only if you have it installed on a server of yours. Yeah probably that is why a lot of geeks prefer it. There are things that I don’t like on wordpress.com (remember wordpress.org is a different entity- and it rocks) I cannot add any Javascript, cannot add google analytics or adsense or any other advertising service. Does not fully support Safari and have to write this using Firefox, though when I contacted them they told me they told me that they will fix this in the next version. They removed the feed count on the blog-stats page. Considering that the guys who viewed my posts were like 2-3 times more than my average daily visitors, I think I have a valid reason to scorn this time. Any blogger would be happier if he has more feed subscribers. They let you edit the CSS style-sheets, if you pay. This just sucks.

Among other things which suck is the mast. Too bling-bling. The thing left to the text on the header (the blue image) looks like an image from a six year old’s birthday party invitation. The space between text paragraphs is too less and perhaps the font-size a bit small. The link color in the body text is too subtle, and may not get noticed. Tell me if you like it not, special emphasis on readability as I said.

No I won’t shift to Blogger, google seems to have forgotten the words ‘Do no evil’; and may well go down from the list of my favourite companies.

Ah well, I like to crib. Enough about the benefits and disadvantages of Wordpress. I do hope that you like the new theme and let us end this on a jolly note. I read this somewhere-

The box said Windows 95 or better, so I switched to a mac

The iPhone, unlocked and without contract, will be coming to Dubai in January 2008. It will cost 3299 AED. From a reliable website’s reliable source.

It will be 2.5G (Same as the US - Edge but no 3G). Ruddy hell, who cares. It is the damn iPhone.

Well this may also mean that the phone could be available in the rest of Asia too somewhere around that.

Now only if you would lend me 3299 AED (About 898.91 US / 37,938.50 Rs)

Please. Pretty Please. Really. Please.

This post contains spoilers. Though if you haven’t already read or finished the book then you probably don’t care about the spoilers anyways. The warning was for those unfortunate people who somehow could not get the book thanks to pre-ordering services or something like that.

Harry Potter. Harry frikkin’ Potter. I bow down, Jo.

Ok, I was unhappy with the epilogue of the book. The only thing I did not like. I mean it is one thing not knowing the joke about the Hag, Healer and the Mimblus Mimbletonia; and another not knowing what Harry, Ron, and Luna end up becoming. They could end all end up working for SPEW and we wouldn’t know about it. So much for “There will be no need for anymore books, all questions will be answered”. Though now notice the use of the word ‘was’. Jo has confirmed that there will be a Harry Potter encyclopedia which will have a lot of things she wanted to include in the books but couldn’t. It will also have information on what paths the wizards and witches chose.

It has been a long journey. I really don’t feel like making this a sad post. Many would have considered Harry going to his Voldemort as the strongest event in the book. I consider the death of Dobby to be the strongest one. I have never read anything so powerful. I mean I was just not prepared, think of all that he had done; then die. No hellos, no goodbyes. I mean I always thought that Lupin would die (though I admit that I was a bit unsure after he married and had Teddy- probably that is why Jo killed Tonks too)

This book took me the longest to read. I did not sleep the night before (was in a car for six hours to get the book), it is not really easy to read in a car (on the way back). I was reading this really slowly, and I am proud that I could foresee many things that happened in the book.

To cut the crap, it was a great book and I am sad.

I pasted this on my Orkut ‘About Me’ profile yesterday. Thought you may like it. 

(EDIT: I wrote this myself, just in case you wondered where I did I ‘paste’ it from. Oh and if you are among those who came across this page while looking for  ‘about me orkut’ or ‘orkut profile cool’; all I ask you to do is - erggh leave it. You can visit my Orkut profile here.)

Half my brain cells are speculating the repercussions of not filling this section. The other half is sleeping, having plotted things transcending human comprehension all day. The working half is still assessing what would happen if I do not join this perpetual race to be among the coolest of orkut profiles, would it be termed blasphemous or sacrilege? Will writing be easier than the contemplation and deliberation? Should I be sleeping like most other adults as it is three am? Or should I, like other teenagers, be surfing porn websites, or talking to their boyfriends or girlfriends, or changing their MSN nicknames to cooler things. Changing their display pictures to the few pictures that hide their flat chests, grotesque noses, disproportionate behinds and short height and what not; so that they get complemented as they simultaneously chat with three other people. They’ll get their ‘beautifuls’ and ‘awwsums’, it would be rude for people not to do so. The human race is obliged to pump Helium into already inflated egos.

I am not expected to quail away and not exercise all my acumen, every bit of humor, sarcasm, and wit I posses. It is uncool to not try your best to be cool.The third most uncoolest thing to do after ‘wnna b fran4 casual sex’ and photos of Brad Pitt for display pictures. What if someone visits and reads my profile and then thinks that I am dyslexic? What if he (or or what if she is a ‘she’?!) scraps me that I should be banned from Orkut and calls me pea brained and that it is filled with african-grade dung instead of the cerebro spinal fluid?

Should I be replying and tell the ignorant portion of their cerebrum that it is a politically incorrect statement to make about Sudan. Do they know that half their I-met-you-once-at-that-refugee-camp friends die before they can accept their ‘friend requests’, because of no electricity to run computers?

Murphy, my spiritual guide, tells me that ‘if anything can go wrong it will’. What if i intentionally choose to keep this field blank and try to be uncool? Was he told in school that two negatives make a positive? Was he so brilliant that he never attended school, or was he brilliant because he never attended school? What if two negatives, clash with a third negative (in accordance with Murphy) creating an infinite loop? Will I be able to procrastinate time itself till Murphy decides what is going to happen?

If time does not really stop, then does it imply that Murphy was wrong? Does that mean that anything that can go right will go right (was that a lot of thats?). Will I rise to find myself in my Las Vega Condo with Katherine Heigl and Elisha Cuthbeth wearing a crown labelled ‘The Master of the Orkut’ ? Will I still want to unceremoniously obliterate ‘About me’.If Murphy was right, which I bet he was, will time stop? Would I have prevented the apocalypse? More importantly, will I be remembered for that? Famous enough to have official Orkut communities established in my name? Will the aliens save us? Will their females be hot? What if they are all androzygous? What races will we produce when we mate with them in that case? Will they let me name them ‘Adinosauraii’?

If nothing like this happens, would I be blamed for the depressing sad suicidal little existence you live? Is it my fault that your assignments ain’t completed because you were busy thinking of a hundred futile ways to impress your cute neighbor? That you pooped in your pants while trying to fart silently? Is it my fault that the earth the way it is? Maybe partly. Go, get your daily dose of Social networking. Keep feeding your alter egoes. Say ‘hey wssa’ even if you met them precisely 74.545 seconds back. Or are are you part of some propaganda to render IMs obsolete? Keep scrapping till they give you the ‘coolest social networker of the year’ award because you have more scraps than you can count; Orkut is your illusionary sanctum from the angst and misery you are drowning in, you know it. Do not blame my over-worked, caffeinated half of brain cells. I do digress and have a flair for the hyperbole.